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As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.