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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.